I'm looking at doing similar stuff as OP and been doing some research myself so this this is NOT expert recommendation, but I found the
PIC18F97J60 which looks like an interesting chip.
It's a MCU but also has an ethernet MAC and the PHY built in, which a lot of chips only have one and not the other so you would need extra components but this chip has it all and you only need the magnetics (two small transformers which isolate the ethernet signal). From my understanding the MAC is basically the software implementation of Ethernet (ex: OSI layer 2) which is often found on MCUs and the PHY is the layer 1 section which drives the actual Ethernet signal, which often is it's own chip.
You also need transformers (referred to as magnetics) and of course the jack itself. Some jacks have it built in but it ends up more expensive per unit but if you're only making a few it's a way to go. If you want to do POE you need a separate chip to control that too. Make sure you get magnetics that have split transformers as the middle is used for the POE signal.
Once you have that going you essentially have a device that can talk over an ethernet network at layer 2. Ex: send ethernet frames. If you want TCP or UDP you'd have to implement it in your code and that's rather involved. DHCP, ACK, DNS, etc.... Me personally I will probably just work with raw frames as my device is not technically designed to go on a computer network, I just chose to use ethernet because it can make use of existing infrastructure such as patch panels, jacks, switches etc.
At least that's the jist of what I've figured out so far, someone correct me if I'm off on something.