Greetings EEVBees:
--Recently a new troll as been gracing the pages of our gentle blog. This person has made some statements that seem confused and disjoint, and yet hostile. He even directed some of his incoherent jibbering at our gracious host. This prompted DJ, always the gentleman, to finally, reluctantly, mention that perhaps these befuddled utterances were the result of an over indulgence in "wacky weed", or "wacky tobaccy" as we yanks put it.
--As I thought about this comment, something in the back of my mind was bothering me about it. And then it hit me. These were not just the musings of a typical tie dyed Grateful Dead fan, with 3 day old festival breath, and a craving for falafel, not by a long shot. It seemed to me that a much more profound psychotropic substance than mere tetrahydrocannabinol prosaic and mundane was indicated.
--Now, on my desk, as it happens, was a copy of last months issue of the Sydney Weekly Dispatch (and Coupon Saver). My eye was drawn to a headline above an article by roving reporter Tilba Beerburrum. It read "Police Detain Man High On Toad Juice." That could just be it, I thought. Perhaps the schizoid mutterings of our latest troll were indeed caused by the bufotenin rich secretions of the dreaded Bufo Marinus of the genus Bufonidae, which has been a growing menace in the Land Down Under and is now spreading like wildfire all continents. I reproduce the article in its entirety below.
Police Detain Man High On Toad Juice
By Tilba Beerburrum - Sept. 3rd
"As the gentle reader may recall, last month I mentioned that the Mulumbimby TFADCA - Toad Fanciers and Drum Circle Association was promoting the idea of having Mulumbimby and Angels Camp California become Sister Cities, with all privileges and rights obtaining thereunto. Angels Camp California is in Calaveras County and was the location for Mark Twain's 1865 story "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County". Even to this day Angels Camp holds a yearly "Jumping Frog Jubilee". In homage, the TFADCA sponsored the First Annual Mulumbimby Toad Jump Off this past Saturday."
--My friend, Astral Projection facilitator Alice Springer and I decided to make the trip in her old Volksvan as we did not really want to make the 15 or so recharging stops in my Blade Electron. We set out early Friday morning, and were able to get a room and a meal at the lovely Mulumbimby Motel. On arriving in the parking lot we noticed a white haired old fellow wearing an Anzac style bush hat (sometimes called a go to hell hat) talking into a bucket in the back of camouflage painted ute. We hurried to check in, had a pleasant meal, and went to bed to be ready for the Jump Off on Saturday Morning.
--We arrived plenty early at a large field on the outskirts of Mtown where the Jump Off was to be held. There was quite a crowd there already, including our friend Detective Mal Roothunker and his Tennessee wife Nelta, who has a very charming if undecipherable accent. We struck up conversations, here and there, looking specifically for toad touts to give us some advice on betting. After having talked to a couple of fellows, it seems that the main contenders were Big Buffy and Rolfie The Peg. Rolfie TP's owner was pointed out to us, and it was the same fellow we had seen the night before talking into a bucket. He was sitting in the back of his ute sipping something from a tin cup and still whispering occasionally into the bucket. We introduced ourselves and the old gent said his name was Tio Fernan, "but they just call me Unk." He was in the process of pouring the last of a couple of slabs of Fosters into the bucket. We ask him about this and he said it was to keep Rolfie at just the right temperature and humidity for the jump. Apparently the sipping from the tin cup was, ahem, quality control. We managed to get Unk to give us a quick glimpse of Rolfie. In the bucket was the largest and most muscular Cane Toad I have ever seen or heard of. He had huge gleaming ruby red eyes, and baleful glare. When he croaked, it sounded like a Tuba sounding a low F# and droplets of Fosters danced in the air. Indeed Rolfie was magnificent, we had found our story. After Alice put the charm on Unk, and I slipped him a couple of tenners, he decided to tell us the whole story of Rolfie The Peg.
--"I have had Rolfie since he was no more than an ordinary looking toad egg in a mass of spawn." Unk said that he had been receiving reports of extraordinarily large cane toads in the Maralinga area, over the years. Maralinga as you may know is the site of atomic bomb testing in the fifties. Unk had been searching the area for giant toads after large rain storms for over thirty years and had come up empty. But a little more than a year a go, after a very heavy rain, he noticed some toad spawn in a ditch beside the road and had, on a lark, collected it, taken it home, and put it in a aquarium. In a day they hatched and he had hundreds of tad or toadpoles. He then set about making some green water to feed them with. When he came back to feed them the next day, there was only one huge toadpole left. It apparently had eaten all of the others, it was Rolfie.
--"After he lost his tail and got his land legs, I started feeding him flies and other small insects, anything that moves. A toad ordinarily will not eat anything that does not move. I hit on the idea of putting a big daub of Vegemite on a small plate in his cage and Rolfie would eat the flies that landed on it. Once when I was letting him have the run of the kitchen he knocked over my can of Fosters and was lapping it up like a kitten drinking milk. About the same time I noticed he was beginning to shoo the flies away and eating the Vegemite himself. Bonus! As we all know there is no better source of nutrition in the world than Vegemite. So that is how I raised him. Every day he gets a big dollop of Vegemite and a noggin of fosters in a casarole dish where he can get into it with out spilling it. I now have the only Bufo Marinus in the world weighing more than, well I cannot tell you that but he is a biggun. And there is something even more special about him, but that must remain a secret for now." Unk offered us a sip of ale but we declined and made ready to leave.
--The trumpet sounded signaling post time and Alice and I hurried off to get a sizable bet down on Rolfie with the local book, and took our seats in the stands with Mal and Nelta. We watched the contenders in the lower weight classes, often cute little girls with their pet toadies. Finally the elimination rounds being over it came down to the championship. Big Buffy won the toss and leapt off in a soaring arc covering over 10 meters of ground. Alice and I were already kissing our money goodbye, but we stuck around to see just what Rolfie could do. Unk came out and set Rolfie down at the line and hunched over him talking in a low voice. The crowd could not see but only Rolfie's head, but that was enough, they gasped in amazement the overly large cabesa, and Nelta Roothunker said "Nattun narsa biggun", whatever that means. Unk struck the ground with his balled fist and Rolfie stepped up into space, going upstairs like a house afire. When he had about reached the unbelievably high peak of the parabola, he uncorked a Fosters and Vegemite blue flatty that gave a report like a truck tire blowout. Afterburner! someone shouted, and the gaseous remains caused a couple of older women in the front row to pass dead out. Rolfie continued to gain altitude and passed clear out of the contest area and on over the fence and tumbled down unhurt, in the pasture next door.
--Well Big Buffy's owner and manager immediately accused Unk and Rolfie of cheating and a fight was about to break out. Mal and the officials managed to get them cooled down, and Rolfie was retrieved for inspection. The officials ruled that there was nothing wrong with feeding a toad Fosters and Vegemite, but there was a very definite rule against a toad having three rear legs, an so Rolfie was disqualified. Unk, by this time had done a little too much testing of the liquid in Rolfie's bucket and was beginning to hallucinate rather badly. He grabbed Rolfie and the Trophy and legged it for his ute screaming something about the officials being alien avatars from the planet Altion, and that the Fosters and Toad Whiz was the antidote for their mind bending telepathy rays. Luckily the local coppers, Mal had called, arrived and netted him up before any harm was done.
--Now Alice had managed to charm the book into paying off early, so we skinned out of their most hastily, and back towards Sydtown before problems arose. We understand that Unk and Rolfie The Peg are unharmed, the charges have been dropped, and that the First Annual Toad Jump Off was counted a great success. Alice and I would not miss next years Jump Off for all the Fosters and Vegemite in OZ.
"Round about the cauldron go; In the poison’d entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone Days and nights hast thirty one
Swelter’d venom sleeping got, Boil thou first i’ the charmed pot." Macbeth, Act IV, Scene I
William Shakespeare 1564 1616
Best Regards
Clear Ether
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