Finally got an in circuit programmer working for my LED dev board.
Just an ATTiny85 w/ 5V regulator, 100uF cap, 100nF cap, 470Ohm resistor+ power LED.
On one end it has a 4 pin header for SCK,MISO,MOSI,RST and a single pin for GND. On the otherside it has a single data pin for the LEDs and a DC socket with 12V links for the board and the LED strip. All on a perf board, wrapped up tight in a shrink wrap tube, so it can knock about my desk and not short anything.
I can now program the ATTiny without even disconnecting the LEDs.
Out of interest, apparently Atmel say you need 860 Ohms between the active circuit and the programmer pins to program in circuit if you are sharing pins. So my previous resistor idea was on the right track, just not enough.