And when it comes to the mixing recording and mastering engineers, or any sort of sound tech when live, have never and will never listen to what the performers want if they can avoid it.
Speaking as a professional live sound engineer, I can tell you that we ALWAYS listen to what the performers want. Because if we didn't, then we wouldn't be on the gig. If the band wants it loud (My Bloody Valentine, anyone?) that's what they get.
Now, also speaking in that capacity, all too often the mix person is at the mercy of the system du jour. I can approve or disapprove of a system in advance, but until I get to the venue, I have no idea whether it is installed properly. There is only so much one can do with equalization. If the boxes aren't aimed at the audience or set up correctly, it's game over before it even begins. All one can do at that point is to make it sound "as good as possible," which is as frustrating for the mix-person as it is for someone in the audience in a bad location. (Did I mention that sometimes mix position is in the worst spot in the house? Under a balcony! Please, just kill me now.)
And there are some rooms that should not be hosting shows at all (Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Aragon Ballroom in Chicago, Terminal 5 in NYC, Wellmont Theatre in Montclair, NJ, Electric Factory in Philly, etc etc). Big empty barns with no acoustic control, absolute nightmares.
Note I haven't even mentioned what happens when the band's stage volume is out of control.
And my friends who mix and master recordings professionally? They all, without exception, hate the loudness wars, but they do what is asked of them by the client. Because there's always someone willing to do the work.